So your baby is ready to start exploring the wonderful world of solid foods? Congratulations! Before you know it, she’ll be asking for 20 bucks and the car keys so she can go “chill” with her friend Ava who is “so cool.” But for now, you’re in for a treat!
Yes, in this fleeting moment, you hold the fate of your little angel’s future relationship with food in your hands. It is very important that you don’t mess this up! (We're joking, mostly!) When your child grows up and inevitably leaves you behind forever, the last thing you want is to be riddled with regret about their terrible eating habits.
With that being said, here is a foolproof method for getting your little one started on the right foot (or tongue, as it were) on their gastronomic adventure.
Starting too early will cause nothing but frustration for you and baby. However, if you start even five minutes too late, the window has closed, and your baby’s life is ruined.
Think of your child as an avocado. Each has about a 15-minute window of ripeness. As with most things, each child is different, but two key developmental milestones generally indicate food readiness. First, the ability to sit up with gentle assistance. Second, the ability to flap her arms into her groin area and get poop all over her hands when you change her diaper.
When baby hits these milestones, it’s go time! Hose her down and strap her into the highchair.
Selecting the right highchair is likely the most important decision you will ever make. It might seem easy, but it’s not. There are many options and features, but the most important ones are the tray table and the seat.
Specifically, the tray table needs to be made of durable and tasty plastic so baby can gnaw on it safely and enjoyably. If possible, try to find one infused with earthy tones of cardamom and rosemary.
The seat needs to have substantial cushioning in the head rest area so baby doesn’t concuss herself when she flings her head back against it every 10 seconds.
Try starting out with a nice baby cereal, such as oatmeal or barley (if you’re super hipster) mixed with a small amount of breast milk or formula. Mix until the consistency is that of fresh sap harvested from a Vermont maple tree on a snowy day.
It should be small enough to fit into baby’s mouth and yellow or green in color. Do not under any circumstances use a red spoon unless you want your baby to develop irreversible bloodlust at an early age.
Scoop a very small amount of cereal, about the size of the fingernail on Donald Trump’s index finger, onto the spoon. Gently place the spoon into your child’s mouth and tip the handle up slightly. Remove the spoon.
When the cereal re-appears on baby’s chin, scoop it back up with the spoon. Stick the spoon back into baby’s mouth. Repeat 27 times.
Prepare a bottle of baby formula or breast milk and feed your baby so she doesn’t starve.
Approximately two weeks later (no less than nine days and no more than 18 days), introduce mush. You can buy prepared baby food at your local grocery store if you are lazy, or you can prepare it by hand from fresh fruits and vegetables if you actually care about your child.
Be sure to start with vegetables and not fruits! It is important to start with vegetables so that, in a few years, your child will have the residual vegetable benefits in her system when she decides not to eat anything except for bread anyway.
Spoon a small amount of vegetable into your child’s mouth. When it comes out, catch it with the spoon. Stick it back in. Repeat 34 times.
Prepare a bottle of baby formula or breast milk and feed your baby so she doesn’t starve.
Introduce fruits, and then stage-two fruits and veggies, and meats (if you hate animals) when your child is ready.
Give up until she is ready to eat bread.
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